hope-fill

Some days just the smallest of influences can shift a somewhat otherwise emotionally stunted day, or can potentially derail the ever so slightly unpleasant emotional path that trails behind a number of passing weeks. Maybe the serenity found in a melody, or the beauty in a photo, from the wise words of another, or from the kind smile accompanying a neighbourly interaction. I was fortunate enough to stumble upon all of the above on this day that began with a blue sky suffocated by a dull covering of overcast. And with perfect timing, within half an hour of my gloriously awakening chain of delightfulness, the clouds cleared entirely to reveal an abundance of bright and blue.

I'm pleasantly relieved to have rediscovered my general enthusiasm from which I was temporarily separated from; to have fueled the fire in my belly, and to have reemerged from the shade and back into the about-to-begin summer months that sit before me. Although far less often now, the lingering regret of passed loses still has its occasional way with me. But I find pleasant reward in clearing out dusty corners, even though those little spider webs always seem to find there way back. Yet with clarity and calmness I saw today looking out upon the edge of my own dustless and web-less little wonderland, as opposed to peering out from behind it. I thank today's series of small serendipities, for reinstilling hope into my dreams, however unattainable they sometimes seem; and for reminding me of my love of clouds.

From here to there and back again..

I've never particularly enjoyed disappointment, and although I've had rather a handful over my young life to negotiate; which I assume has taught me how better to accept it, I don't think I'll ever come to like it much. Although, in hindsight, and generally only in hindsight, over the past few years I have however learned to take stock of such disappointments, step back, and view them in perspective to allow myself to find what it is I'm able to learn from such undesirable experiences. Although I can't help, as is human, to feel a little discouraged at times by disappointment. For instance, after several years of growing a topiary bay tree and finding over the past few years in the space of a few short days all the fresh new growth destroyed by spring winds; this year has just taken off. No your right that's not disappointing, in fact on the contrary I was rather chuffed that it was finally looking lovely, lush and green, until yesterday I found a nasty little bird tearing chunks out of it. I wasn't impressed, especially as he lives in the comfort of my roof, and I haven't yet evicted him from doing so.... Or alternatively, after I had finally found the courage to ask a young lady out for coffee, I discovered via a rather sincere apology later that day that the wee crush I had developed was able only to exist as a crush, as she unfortunately was already spoken for. Although, I now think I would have preferred to not have asked her name first, as such a face may possibly be easier to forget when it is simple only a face once admired.

So, over the past few days whilst I've continued to journey further into the interesting realms of my Sociology paper, I've also been searching for what it is exactly that I am to learn from these current disappointments. Although, for now I'll just pop my heart back into the safety and quite of it's little hiding spot from which it had recently emerged, until such a time that it is properly needed. However, after a few days now having passed, occupied by marvelous coffee; the continual concoction of my organic sourdough; and an always enjoyable young chap, time has fortunately very much softened the blow.

On the other unrelated hand, after a year consumed by very structured university forms of thinking, I found simple creative enthusiasm to sew again. I made some alterations to a few shirts, sewed different buttons on things, and then considered indecisively about which recycled fabrics would best suit the soon to be newest addition to our household.

 

Yet which ever array of colours he ends up sporting, he'll (or more likely she'll) definitely look the part perched alongside our other hand sewn housemates.

- Woozle -

& - Mr Fox -

Who have both become quite accustomed to our interesting, earthy, and upcycled ways of living; as is certainly how they came into existence.

Done and Dusted... and a little confused

It's taken a few days to unwind, but finishing another bout of end-of-semester exams has finally meet with a sense of accomplishment. The last month was an interesting one where I found myself on a number of occasions branching out beyond the experiences normally only found in my own comfort zone. I must say I have relished in the delight of a change of scene, and a handful of thoroughly enjoyable rabbit holes through which I've explored hand-in-hand with 'Alice' basking in the sun of change and a wonderland full of interesting experiences. But returning to my own habitat has also been meet again with inspiration and the courage to take within my grasp and transform my own timidity to journey in directions that otherwise go un-walked. It's also the first year I've grown flowers in my garden, and like other choices in my life not taken before, it's proved to have beautiful rewards.

What also seems to be a dormant area, quite partially due to my own avoidance of the great unknown, is the area of my heart... I guess also with scars of experiences past, I have become particularly protective of my vital organs, and within that overprotective nature of my heart I've become detached from attachment. Although, without knowing it, I've been amidst the now nerve-racking chemistry that comes with mutual attraction... that is, if I'm reading right the attraction of the young lady who's name I'm still un-confidently attempting to discover. Oh, dear... I have to say my nerves have got the better of me on the last few occasions that I've been faced with her glowing smile, and the fumbling of my words, quickening of my heart, and my shaky hands haven't been of much assistance with finding and then expressing my normally confident self. So I continue to returned to my garden to find clarity, yet that clarity only seems to be found amongst my new seedlings, and asking it to accompany me to ask her, to drink coffee with me, is what I intend to spend the next few days practicing. Although the company of my newly built and growing garden is fairly soothing in this realm of long forgotten romantic experience.

...As is the smiling and supportive face of my little man. However, his advice is questionable - "Dad, just tell her she's smokin' hot, that's what a gentleman would do". But I can see that he has become rather amused by my bewilderment, as he's very aware of the absence of a female presence in my life since that of his mother. So today instead we went and bought vegetables and seedlings for our garden at our market, and we picked our first strawberries, and he laughed while I looked perplexed at my unsure though possible predicament of the heart.

 It's this face and the wit that comes with it that allows me to see the rather humorous side of my very adolescent nervousness, or at least as is the only time I recall having before felt this ridiculous feeling. However, having had almost a week to come down off the cloud of exam tension, Monday morning I begin the adventure of a summer semester paper in Sociology. I also have a little more freedom to enjoy the summer before us, with vegetables to be grown; adventures with a young enthusiastic lad to be had; creativity to be expressed (in all sorts of forms); bikes to be ridden; and, hopefully a wee part-time job to be found... And, if with grand intentions, brought into perspective with minimal expectations, a delightful young lady will be kind enough to have coffee with this young man, then may the summer also be potentially filled with romance. Although I'm not holding my breath, while I occasionally forget to breath. Again... oh, dear. 

But at the end of the day if I'm sadly mistaken, there are always courgettes... and tomatoes... and egg plants.... and capsicums... and strawberries........and chillies....  to be grown, and of course eaten with homegrown enthusiasm. x